What is This? Happy?!

A couple of weeks ago,  I went to get my hair done. Color touch up, hydrating conditioning, pressed and yes curled – The Works. After the process, my stylist and I had a little photo shoot – just being silly, just being us. I posted one of the pics (gasp – a selfie) on my social media accounts to much fanfare I must say (thank ya, thank ya kindly), and continued with the rest of my evening.

A friend, shortly after liking the pic, sent a text:

This is probably one of my favorite pics of you. You look happy…

I was stopped in my tracks. Say what now?! Although stumped, I thanked him for the compliment, the compliment that has now been on my mind ever since I read the text.

There have been many adjectives and adverbs, verbs and nouns used to describe me. Lively, funny, outgoing, smart, smart ass, witty, sexy, flirt, bitch, generous, loyal, ride or die, adventurous, loving, realist, outspoken, lovable, lush….the list could go on and on like a first Sunday sermon. You get the idea. But….happy? Me?? Where???

I sat back and thought on this notion of happy. When was the last time I was described by someone as happy? Hell, when was the last time I described myself as happy? What does happy even look like?? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not walking around in a funk deeper the stench on a homeless person. I have happy moments. Happy moments strung together like Christmas lights to get me through this thing called life. That’s how I look at happy. In the moment, I was happy my hair was done. I was happy with the results. But was I happy overall?? Ask me what happy looks like? Ask me what happy looks like on me?……. Kanye shrug…I’m coming up short.

Returning to the picture, I studied it. Trying to memorize what I see to recreate this look of happy.  All I see is a woman enjoying the moment. I didn’t see what my friend saw. And it was driving me crazy. Until I started mediating. Again.

I know I don’t post much anymore but I know I wrote about how meditation saved me from insomnia and God knows what else. So I’ve found when I have these moments of foggy smog, I turn to meditation. When I first wrote about mediation, I let my mind wander to a place on forgiveness. I wanted to know what forgiveness looked like, what did it feel like, hell what did it taste like. Eventually my mind answered and I gained a lot of clarity on forgiveness and letting go to forgive. So I figured I’d employ the same tactic to get to the bottom of happy. I want to know all about happy – what it looks like, feels like, smells like, tastes like. I want to know happy intimately. Know happy like lyrics to my favorite Biggie song. Know happy like a child on Christmas morning. Know happy like the first bite of tiramisu from a long gone but favorite restaurant.

So far, my mind keeps showing me water. The ocean specifically. Beautiful, tranquil, hundred shades of blue water. And I have no idea what the hell that means. Yet.

But hey, at least it led me here. I wrote this. And if you’re reaading this, I actually published this. I’m here. And the smirk I feel creeping up my face, tells me I’m happy in the moment.