Speaking a New Language

Note: I originally posted this on my Facebook page on 12.31.2014 because I forgot my login for this blog. Yep. Sure did. No clue what email address or username I attached to this blog o mine. Sad. But I remembered the password!! Yeah I know. Messy. I’ve been gone too long. Way too long. My next post will give some voice to why. And it won’t be 6 months from now either. Pinky swear. But for now (if you’re reading this on my actual blog, I REMEMBERED MY LOGIN INFO!!! WOOOHOOOO), here’s my end of 2014 thoughts.

Be well, loves. ~J

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Above. By me.

I walked in to 2014 carrying a lot of baggage. Betrayal. Hurt. Frustration. Disappointment. Resentment. Defeat. The works. Coupled with some life turned upside down and on its ass shit in January of this year, I began to suffer from horrible insomnia. As if my brain needed 22 hours a day to focus on all the shit that has gone/was going wrong in my life thus far. This went on for months. Sleeping for 15 minute intervals for about 2-3 hours a night. No newborn insight. Nothing was working and I refused to take any kind of sleep aid beyond a glass of wine. A friend heard my cry (on Facebook no less) and offered to help without knowing the whys. She simply wanted me to sleep. We met up and she taught me how to meditate, how to be still and breathe….and listen. After my first session, I slept for 7 hours straight after months of frenetic newborn baby like sleep. I was sold! (I don’t think I could ever thank her enough. I owe her.)

During subsequent meditative sessions, forgiveness kept bubbling to the surface in those still moments. What does forgiveness look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like? Over and over, this is where my mind wandered until one day, like a mirage in the dessert, it appeared. I began to see what my mind, my soul, my heart picture as forgiveness. And it’s where my brain continues to go when I sit still and breathe.

“I started to see myself clear, the same way I learned to see you clear through your actions. That’s when my hate turned to empathy and I did the inevitable…I prayed for you. The moment I allowed myself to speak blessings unto your life, that was the moment my heart began to heal” – Mirtha Michelle Castro Marmol

I stumbled across this quote on Instagram and wanted to give it the fuck outta here side eye. Pray for who?!! Pray forrrr what?! Whatevs. But I kept it and read it a few times. And one day during a brief meditation on the subway, my mind wandered into that forgiveness territory and I started praying for someone who had hurt me. I prayed that he would be genuinely happy in life. I prayed that he would find the elusive “it” that he was searching for. The same image I see for forgiveness is the same image I saw during this prayer. I realize now that just like the quote said, this was the next step in my healing.

Some were easy to pray for blessings in their life. Those, I guess, I was over the hurt/transgressions more than I gave myself credit for. Some took a few attempts but eventually I was able to speak blessings unto their lives. And there are others I am still working on without start the blessing with “this motherfucker……” Look I’m not perfect. I am learning. At least this list is considerably smaller. Progress, right?

No question, 2014 has been THE most challenging year of my life – a considerable amount of loss and change in all areas of my life. I’m ready for this year to be over but I’m not looking at 2015 through rose colored glasses either. Truth be told, 2015 scares me a bit (ok. It scares the bejesus outta me. Kinda. But that’s a good thing, right?!). I’m walking out of 2014 still with baggage. But now it’s a lighter load, and with a fuller heart. And for that, 2014, I am grateful.

Happy 2015, loves! I pray this year speaks blessings unto your lives. xoxo